Betsy's Blog

Today I got a call from an excited friend. It looks like eharmony scored big last night for her. She was on the phone with a new guy they matched her with until 4am. A 6 hour conversation. As she spoke about their conversation I could hear the elation and excitement in her voice. I was, and am so happy for her. She is this funny, incredibly smart, ambitous and amazing person, who is searching, like we all are to meet Mr. Right. Aidan loves her, acts like a teenager with a crush when she is around, and has nicknamed her a new name that is so cute and indearing.

Today, as she talked about this guy, I realized I was feeling that tug inside, the one that feels what.....wistful? jealous? I do not know. The reality is that I do not want someone now. I am not ready. I do not want to deal with men right now. I do not trust myself to not end up in the neurotic, doubting silly place I usually end up in when yet another relationship ends miserably. I cant risk that and being a mom at the same time. The thing is, I truly believe that the lust for baby made me come on too strong in relationships. I think it was turning men away. But, I will never know for sure until I start to date. Which brings me to my friend, and my "feelings" about her excitement.

I want to feel that way someday. I know that I will be ready at some point in my life, and I know that I will have to test this theory that I will be less pushy when that time comes, since baby is all ready here. I want to feel that blissful, happy excitement. I want to want to tear someone's clothes off and wonder what it would be like to kiss them as they talk to me across the table. I want this, yet I am not ready. But I am beginning to wonder-Is this really true?